The following is an excerpt from an email I sent to my wife while she was in Italy going to school. Her promissory note was not scheduled to be mailed to her until three days after she was to report to her classes in Perugia, Italy. How she was supposed to sign it is beyond me and nobody ever gave me an acceptable answer. This caused what computer programmers call a cascade of errors, and for me personally, a shitrain of weeping and gnashing of teeth; mostly in my wake, however.

What follows is an account of what happened in the cash office when I went to pick up part of her student loan for the study trip which was delayed because of some other unknown reason. This was typed within an hour of its occurrence, as it was still fresh in my mind, there is little margin of error in it's retelling. 



Geni,

I got the money, not to worry.  But again with the "She has to pick it up
herself" bullshit.  I checked my voicemail at 4:30 today and there was a
message that the check would be available at the registrars office by 3:30
PM today.  When I got there, I told the guy at the desk, "I'm here to pick
up a petty cash check for Genevievce Hoog."  Then he says that only you
could pick it up.  I told him that would be difficult since you were in
Italy.  He then tells me that you can get it when you get back.

	Well, you guessed it.  The shit hit the fucking fan, and I mean in
big black fucking spades.  I looked him right in the eyes and said
"Bullshit!  That money is for her to live on while she is over there
STUDYING!  Now do you have the check?"  He says "Yes."  To which I reply
"Then you had better fucking give it to me RIGHT NOW!"

	"But sir..."

	"Don't you 'But sir' me.  I have power of attorney.  Do you know
what that means?  It means that you better give me the goddam check right
now.  I'm sick and fucking tired of this bullshit!"

	"Hold on.  I need to check with my supervisor.  She is gone for
the day."

	"Well then call her at home dammit."

	"Well her number is unlisted."

	"Then you had better find someone around here, and I mean NOW, who
CAN help me. or things are going to start getting ugly."

	"Hold on, sir.  I'll see if I can find someone."

	"'If' isn't good enough."

	"I'd love to give you your wife's check, but Im just looking out
for my job."

	"I dont give a flying shit about your job.  You had better find
someone who can help me NOW!!!"

	He comes backafter about ten minutes with one of those little old
bureaucrat ladies who looks at me with one of those administrative Lee(tm)
Press-on Smiles, and says "Hi. I'm [Yugnorb Florbowitz].  I'm not sure if
I can help you."

	"Then I don't want to talk to you.  I want to talk to someone who
CAN help me."  

	"Well now, if you tell me the nature of your problem, then I can
tell you if I can help you."

	"You have my wife's check.  I'm here to pick it up.  I have power
of attorney right here! [Waiving document in her tiny face].(she ws all
of about 5 foot 3)"

	"Can I see the power of attorney?"

	"Absolutely!"

	"I'll just need to check this signature against the one on her
record."

	"It's a notarized document.  You don't need to check anything!"

	"We need to be sure for our own protection."

	"From what? [one-raised-eyebrow glare]"

	"We just need to be sure."

	She walks out and as I'm standing there looking around the room, I
notice a whiteboard with the words "WORD OF THE DAY" handwritten across
the top.  I looked up and said to nobody in particular "Up there where it
says "word of the Day", put 'CLUSTERFUCK'."

	After about ten minutes, the tiny bureaucrat returns and says "I'm
sorry it took so long to look up her signature, but it was under her
maiden name.  You didn't tell me that it would be under her maiden name.  
I just need to make a copy of the document."

	After another ten minutes, she returns declaring "There is no seal
on this document."

	"Oh yes there is!  What are you, blind?"

	"Now look Mr. Ellerbee...."

	"Now look nothing.  This has been carried on for far too long.  I
have been in this process for over six weeks now and have met with nothing
but resistance at every turn.  It has been nothing if not utterly
enfuriating.  So don't tell me to 'now look..' at anything."

	"Well now, don't go trying to kill those who are trying to help
you."

	"HELP?!?!?!?    HELP????!!!!  This University has been anything
but help for six weeks.  Everybody is running around telling me how much
they are helping me and nobody has actually helped."

	At this point, she gives me one of those "you asshole" looks.

	"Do you have a problem?" I asked.  Cause if you do, you know what?
I don't give a shit.  You people have been my problem for the last month
and a half, so yopu can stick that look right back where it came from and
give it to someone who is being an asshole for no reason.  I HAVE A
FUCKING REASON!  DO YOU HAVE APRPOBLEM WITH THAT?"

	"Well, I' only met you ten minutes ago.  How could I be part of
your problem?"

	"The minute you questioned my voracity in this situation, you
became lumped in with the rest of the eight thumbed freaks that run this
administration.  Now give me the damn check and have a nice day!"

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