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WORLD NEWS:

CLINTON DEPLOYS VOWELS TO BOSNIA

Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients

Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Clinton
announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of
Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will
provide the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O and U, and is
hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable.

"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr
and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world,"
Clinton said. "Today, the United States must finally stand up and say
'Enough.' It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their
incomprehensible words. The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble
endeavor."

The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Storm by the State Department, is set
for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny
slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying
over 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from Andrews Air Force Base
across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities.

Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels. "My
God, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. "I
have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me
or to anyone else. Mr. Clinton, please send my poor, wretched family just
one 'E.' Please."

Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters, I
could be George Humphries. This is my dream."

If the initial airlift is successful, Clinton said the United States will
go ahead with full-scale vowel deployment, with C-130's airdropping
thousands more letters over every area of Bosnia. Other nations are
expected to pitch in as well, including 10,000 British "A's" and 6,500
Canadian "U's." Japan, rich in A's and O's, was asked to participate,
but declined.

"With these valuable letters, the people of war-ravaged Bosnia will be
able to make some terrific new words," Clinton said. "It should be very
exciting for them, and much easier for us to read their maps."

Linguists praise the US's decision to send the vowels. For decades they
have struggled with the hard consonants and difficult pronunciation of
most Slavic words. "Vowels are crucial to construction of all language,"
Baylor University linguist Noam Frankel said. "Without them, it would be
difficult to utter a single word, much less organize a coherent sentence.
Please, just don't get me started on the moon-man languages they use in
those Eastern European countries."

According to Frankel, once the Bosnians have vowels, they will be able to
construct such valuable sentences as: "The potatoes are ready"; "I believe
it will rain"; and "All my children are dead from the war" [And "Oh my God,
there's an axe in my head." ?]

The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign
country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92,000
consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao
with vital, lifegiving supplies of L's, S's and T's. The consonant-relief
effort failed, however, when vast quantities of the letters were intercepted
and hoarded by violent, gun-toting warlords.