a little boy and his father were in the park. they see two dogs having sex the little boy asks his father what they're doing his father says they're making a puppy that night the boy sees his parents in bed he asks what they're doing his father says i'm making you a little brother the boy says "turn her over, i'd rather have a puppy"

Apologies to Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if:

• Your wife has four wheel drive on her vacuum cleaner
• Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts
• Your kids have a three day old Kool Aid moustache
• Your talent in a local beauty pagent was making noises with your armpit
• Your new sofa was on a curb in another part of town yesterday
• Your two year old has more teeth than you
• Your belt buckle is bigger than your head
• You've ever asked a widow for her phone number at a funeral home
• You shop for groceries at a gas station
• Your dog doubles as your dishwasher
• You've ever heckled during a euology
• Todays dinner was too slow crossing the highway yesterday
• Your mother has a spit cup on her ironing board.
• The hood of your truck is higher than the roof of your house.
• You've ever slowdanced in a waffle house.
• Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
• Your driveway has a puddle in it year round.
• you've ever read the entire sunday paper sitting in the bathroom.
• You have orange road cones in your livingroom.
• You've ever had sex while wearing work gloves.
• Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
• Your clothesline has at least two splices in it.
• There's a hot water bottle hasnging from your shower curtain.
• You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
• You've ever watched the game warden through your scope.
• Your grandmother, mother, and wife all have kids the same age.
• You videotape fishing shows.
• You get homeick watching "COPS".
• You own half a pickup truck.

Why aren't rednecks circumcised?

So they have a place to put their skoal when they eat.

A white guy, a black guy, and a Mormon are talking one day.

The black guy says "I've got four kids; one more, and I'll have a basketball team."

The white guy says "I've got ten kids; one more, and I'll have a football team."

The Mormon says "I've got seventeen wives; one more, and I'll have a golf course!"

We had a phone book listing for 'Heywood Jablome'. Turned out to be a fraternity pay phone!

Saw this on a bumper sticker:

Kids who hunt, fish and trap
don't mug grandmothers.

And those few bad apples that do
know how to gut and field dress them...

True story:

I mentioned to the secretary, as explanation of my slightly unusual gait, that I had finally had my first horseback lesson at the request of my wife, who is an experienced rider. She replied,

"So, did your wife have fun with your stiffness this weekend?"

At which point my boss, who had just walked up, quickly turned around, muttering "I don't want to hear about this!"

The following is the result of a group project where the assignment was to design a plan to reduce homicides in the State of Illinois. In addition to the proposal that was actually presented, the following backup plans were also written up.

The Quarantine Plan

A large percentage of homicides, other violent acts, and other anti-social behavior are committed by young males. The victims are also disproportionately young males. We propose to lock up all males between the ages of 15 and 25, thereby preventing them from committing homicide or becoming victims.

It is a basic rule of epidemiology that each person can only die once. We propose to decrease homicide by increasing other causes of death.

An extremely effective way to do this would be to take strong actions to increase infant mortality. Every moment that a person lives increases his or her chances of dying by homicide. All publicly funded prenatal care, immunizations, WIC (Women, Infants, and Children) programs, and other public health initiatives would be ended immediately. We will take the money that had been allocated to these programs plus the $1 million we are requesting today to fund an aggressive multi-disciplinary, multi-media, community-based, otherwise-hyphenated campaign to combat similar private initiatives and carry out the rest of our program.

Since a reasonable number of children have always lived beyond infancy, we will also have to take steps to increase mortality rates in older populations. Actions which we would consider include contamination of the water and food supplies, tobacco and alcohol subsidies, taxes on health clubs, increased speed limits, and distribution of banana peels on sidewalks and stairways.

We believe that given $1 million, we can all but guarantee that Mr. Charles Randall of Chicago will not be murdered, thereby reducing homicide. We plan to take him to the Bahamas and personally keep an eye on him to make sure he is ok. A significant advantage of this plan is the easy evaluation component. We will periodically walk over to Mr. Randall and say "How you doin' Chuck? Still alive?"

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