(1) Moses, Jesus and some old guy are playing golf together. They come to a par three with a beautiful lake guarding the green. Moses tees up and smacks one right into the lake. He raises his arms, parts the lake, finds his ball and hits it on the green. Jesus tees off next and hits it into the lake. He walks across the water, his ball floats up to the surface of the lake, and he hits it on the green. Next up is the old geezer. Smacks his ball right towards the lake, but as its going in, a fish jumps up and snags the ball just as a pelican swoops down and snags the fish. A bolt of lightning hits the pelican who drops the fish onto the green and the ball falls into the hole. Jesus looks over at the old man and says "Jeez Dad, can't you play golf like everyone else?"
(2) A golfer arrives in heaven. St Peter meets him at the gate. "We usually don't get golfers here you know, they swear too much," he says to the golfer.
"I've only taken the Lord's name in vain once, Sir," the golfer replies.
"Tell me about it," St. Peter says.
"Well, I hit my tee shot badly. It hooked deep into the woods."
"And that's when you took the Lord's name in vain?" St. Peter asks.
"No, the ball hit a tree and bounced out towards the center of the fairway but it ended up in the fairway trap."
"And that's when you took the Lord's name in vain?" St. Peter asks again.
"No, I hit a great sand shot, but it caught a branch and fell twenty yards short of the green."
"And then you took the Lord's name in vain?" St. Peter asks impatiently.
"No, I chipped it and it stopped 6 inches from the cup."
To this St. Peter exclaims, "Jesus Christ! Don't tell me you missed a six-inch putt."
Whoever wrote this is going straight to hell for it. I just report it as it happens.
10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6. When you have Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
2. You can prove that you have Beer.
1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.
If a programmer is Catholic does s/he use the Algorithm method?
If you have half a brain, you can't help but notice the throng of publications, analists and net users declaring Windows 95 the Saviour of the Computer Industry. If you have less than half a brain, you probably believe it. Could it be?
Let's compare Windows 95 against a widely-accepted Saviour, Jesus of Nazareth:
Jesus Windows 95
--------------------------------------+--------------------------
Said, "Surely I come quickly." | Has been promised "any day
now."
Is taking a lot longer to actually | Is taking a lot longer to
arrive actually arrive.
Can walk on water. | Can crawl on a 486.
Sits in judgement at the pearly gates.| Will be used to judge Bill
Gates.
Bible says, "In Him, all things are | Windows 95 doesn't even
possible." run all possible Windows
apps.
Started life as a carpenter. | Turns perfectly good
computers into furniture.
Born in a manger. | Resembles something found
in a barn.
Remembered for protecting the weak. | Has weak memory
protection.
Was raised from the dead. | Was created from Windows
3.1.
Jesus performed great works for | Windows 95 multitasking
the multitudes performance barely works.
Jesus has no sin. | Windows 95 has no shame.
--------------------------------------+--------------------------
You decide.
A recent conversation between an Episcopalian minister and a friend of mine:
Friend:
"Well, Father, what with all the preparation for this week's community harvest fair, I wasn't in church last week, and I forgot to pray for good weather, so it must be you that's responsible for this sunshine."
Father: "No, it wasn't me. I'm in Sales, not Operations."
Jesus scurried into the carpenters shop and said "Father, did you call me?"
Joseph said, "No, I just hit my thumb with a hammer."
Two nuns were riding their bicycles through old Italy
One of the nuns said "I don't think I've ever come this way before."
The other nun turns to her and says, "Maybe it's the cobblestones."