Q. How do you know your girlfriend is using steroids?
A. She turns you over on your stomach and fucks you up the ass with her clitoris.
A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar
and ordered a triple scotch whiskey.
As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked "thats
quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replied "I got home
and found my wife in bed with my best friend."
"Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second
triple scotch. "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple
is on the house."
As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him
"What did you do?"
"I walked over to my wife" the man replied "looked her straight in the
eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to
get the hell out."
"That makes sense" said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?" The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said ...
'BAD DOG!'"
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his pants and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on." The bride replies, "I can't wear your pants." He replies, "And don't forget that, I will always wear the pants in the family!". The bride takes off her panties and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!" He replies,"I can't get into your panties???!!". And she states,"And you never will if you don't change your attitude."
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?" He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job." Heeheeheehee
As seen on a T-Shirt:
I used to batter my wife,
but now I eat her raw.
A man goes to buy his wife a bra.
" What size?" says the salesperson.
"6-7/8"
"6-7/8??? What kind of a size is that? asks the salesperson.
"Well, I measured her with a hat"
Q: Why do they call a pap smear a pap smear?
A: Because if they called it a cunt scrape, no one would have it done!
Hear about the paternity law suit against Michael Jackson?
Jackson denies that he is the father. However, he still wants visitation
rights.
Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher walked up to them and displayed his endowments. The first old lady had a stroke, the second old lady had a stroke, but the third old lady's arms were too short to reach.
If you lay it right the first time, you could walk all over it later.
: Q : How do you make your wife cry when you're having sex ?
: A : Ring her up and tell her!
How do you make her scream during sex?
Stop and wipe your dick on the curtains!
Subject: 5 Toughest Questions Women Ask
The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of
course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting
on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful
woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what
the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of
five things:
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is,
"Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you
may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to
confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then
quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your
insurance policy.
4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question
could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard
thay you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you
just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much
prettier." Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your
insurance policy.
5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you
ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of couse not, dear" said
the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long
pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly."And would you let her wear my
old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of
me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd
let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She is left-handed."
The Male Guide to Selecting an Outfit
by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu
---------- ----------- ------------------- -------
| Are there| No | Are there | "What's a | Are there clothes | No | Buy |
|clothes in|---->|clothes in | hamper?" | strewn in random |---->| more |
| dresser? | |the hamper?|----------->|piles on the floor?| |clothes|
---------- ----------- ------------------- -------
| Yes | Yes | Yes
+---------------------------------------------
|
V
---------------
| Take whatever |
| is on top |
--------------- ------------------------
| | |
V V |
-------- No --------- -----------
| Is |---------->| Perform | "Ohmigosh" | Spray |
| it | Not sure | smell |------------>| with |
| clean? |---------->| test | | deodorant |
-------- --------- -----------
| Yes | "Not bad"
+--------------------
|
V
-------------- --------- -------------
|For underwear:| "Which ones are |Will they| "I may get |Place item on|
|Are there many| for my legs?" | be | arrested." | dirty pile; |
| holes? |----------------->| visible?|------------->| start over |
-------------- --------- -------------
| No | No
+---------------------------------
|
V
--------- ------------ -----------------------------------
| Is it | Yes | Do you | Yes |But would you rather have a tick on|
|wrinkled?|----->|really care?|----->| your eyeball than iron a shirt? |
--------- ------------ -----------------------------------
| No | No | Yes
+------------------------------------------------
|
V
-------- Kinda ------- ---------
| Does |----------------->| Is it | No | Seek the|
| it | "Does it what?" | dark |---->|advice of|
| match? |----------------->| out? | | a female|
-------- ------- ---------
| Yes | Yes
+--------------------------
|
V
----------
| Put on |
| clothes! |
----------
This was seen on a washroom wall at a truck stop on Highway 401,near Port Hope, Ontario:
My mother made me a homosexual!
Below in another handwriting:
If I left her the wool,would she make me one too?
what's the difference between a clitoris and a pub?
9 out of 10 men can find a pub
(typed by an unsatisfied woman)
What do you do when your Kotex catches on fire?
Tampon it!
There was a man who got a telegram.
It said: Mother in law has died. What should I arrange? A cremation or a funeral?
This man answered: Don't take any risk, arrange both.
... Do ya come here often? or do ya wait till ya get home?
From: EITEMIBR@columbia.dsu.edu (Eite)
Here, we mourn the passing of traditional baseball analogies to describe sexual activity. Let's face it, there are more than four stages in today's day and age of sex play. So, in the interest of both bringing baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance and standardizing the bases themselves, we present the Newly Revised Guide to the Bases.
First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days.
Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter the equation, such as oral sex (a.k.a. the sloppy triple)? And what about the exact definitions? Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without further ado...
Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to better explain all the things that can happen now a days.
Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old confusion with our current clarity.
| OLD WAY- | we um got to third base i guess and then we um got like past third base, but not to home plate. i really like her. |
| NEW WAY- | first, there was a triple, then we got an inside the park home run, and started thinking, it's hall of fame time. |
| NEW WAY- | So there i was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when i balked during the seventh inning stretch and i had to call in a relief pitcher. |
(Originally posted to rec.humor. I have since lost the original poster's id) The other day I gave my girlfriend a kiss after I had drunk some water. My beard was wet and she squirmed away complaining,
"I don't rub a wet, hairy thing all over your face"
Everyone else in the room just looked at her and burst out laughing. I've never seen someone go that shade of red so quickly.