Found printed on a package of sugar today:

"No Salt! No Fat! No Cholesterol!"

No shit!

Quoted in the New Scientist:

A Doctor at Yale has observed that all the fingers have names, but that only the big toe has a name. He thus proposes names for all 5 toes:

porcellus fori, porcellus domi, porcellus carnivorus, porcellus non voratus, porcellus plorans domum.

For the non-Latin speaking: this loosely means "This little piggie went to market. This little piggy stayed home." etc. etc.

The FTC is going to require that the makers of vegetable oils no longer be allowed to put banners reading "No Cholesterol" on their labels. The reason? Vegetable oil has no cholesterol.

Huh?

In their book, Optoelectronics, An Introduction, J. Wilson and J. F. B Hawkes explain, "The laser, despite its name, is more analogous to an oscillator than an amplifier." A few pages earlier they say, "The word `laser' is an acronym for `Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation'." Why this misnomer? Can you imagine "Light Oscillation by Stimulated Emission of Radiation?" Who would name their invention "LOSER?"

(overheard from a woman contemplating the purchase of a waterproof watch rated for 100 meters):

"I don't know, I usually swim farther than that..."

This is one of those FOAF (Friend Of A Friend) stories. In other words: If it's a lie it's second hand.

A young Lieutennant was about to be shipped off to Saudi Arabia to participate in Desert Shield. It seems that condoms are very useful in keeping sand out of the barrel of one's rifle. So the Lieutennant (in uniform) and his wife went to the PX to buy a box of condoms. While they were standing in the checkout line, the wife said

"I think you should take two boxes. You might be over there a long time"

At this point, an old lady standing in line behind them stepped up to the wife, put a hand on her shoulder while shaking her head and said,

"Honey, you're the most understanding wife I have ever seen."

Another FOAF story.

It seems that a grad student at Texas A&M had a half brother who is about five years old. One Sunday after church, they were visiting with their pastor. The pastor asked the boy, "When you grow up, do you want to go to Texas A&M like your brother?"

"No sir." answered the young boy, "I want to go to college."

Yet another FOAF (maybe I should make a separate category?)

I was chatting with a friend who was relating to me her experiences driving her daughter's friends home after a game at school. One of them, a 15-year-old, recently became pregnant. As they were discussing this, one girl asked the pregnant one if they had used a condom. "Of course!" the girl replies. "After we had sex the first time, we wanted to do it again. We were out of condoms, though, so we just turned the first one inside out and did it again!"

Who says kids don't listen in sex education?

Warning found on a can of Freon

"Sudden death may occur without warning. Call a physician immediately."

There was a retired elementary school teacher in a small village in India. He used to go to the next town first week of every month to collect his pension. He was required to produce a certificate from a government doctor that he was alive everytime he collected his pension.

He didn't go to collect his pension for a couple of months as he was ill and hospitalised. After recuperation, he went to collect his pension for that month along with the arrears. The clerk in the office asked him, "Thats fine. This is the certificate showing that you are alive this month. But where are the certificates to prove that you were alive the last two months?" waving the medical certificate.

A true story.....

The FAA (federal aviation administration) has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the aircraft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight.

The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab.

They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.

Probably the stupidest joke I've ever heard!

What's the difference between a duck???

One leg is the same!!!

These are from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school, and college students around the world.

1. "When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
2. "H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"
3. "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"
4. "When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
5. "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"
6. "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
7. "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
8. "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
9. "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
10. "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
11. "Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
12. "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
13. "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
14. "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
15. "The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
16. "The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."
17. "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
18. "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
19. "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
20. "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
21. "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
22. "Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."
23. "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
24. "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
25. "Liter: A nest of young puppies."
26. "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
27. "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
28. "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
29. "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
30. "Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
31. "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
32. "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
33. "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
34. "For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration."
35. "For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
36. "For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
37. "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
38. "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
39. "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."
40. "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

From: tlindholtz@ucdavis.edu (Thomas Lindholtz)

I work in Enrollment Services at the University of California. One day a friend showed an application that had been received from a prospective student. After all the standard academic information that is requested on college applications there is a section for noting academic honors. It says, "List Academic Honors Received and Describe Them". Beneath this the applicant had written in a neat hand, "The Bank of America award. Round and in the shape of a ribbon."

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