As time passed,
The ideas became more discernable
But the details lacked
Or hid themselves
Or were hidden by a mind
That didn't want to hear what it already knew.
But my heart continued to plead
And God counseled
And you, God bless you,
Refused to relent.
Few things rattle the soul
As much as facing the truth
And then, having denied it,
accepting it in spite of itself.
I wanted what was not given me
Yet I refused what was in front of me.
And God smiled,
Smiled upon me in my ignorance and obstinance:
And my helplessness.
Years ago I cut my hand.
My blood is there
somewhere between the burnt orange tiles
Some ten thousand moppings later.
Does it still make it mine?
A hole in the wall,
Gone but not forgotten,
I can see the seams in the brick
where the glass was,
Cutting off all access from one side.
It was the side all could see from the highway
But if you go next door,
You can see my kitchen still
Behind the deli counter
Beneath the brighter lights.
Is my blood still there?
All the stainless is new
And shiny.
The tile walls shine white again.
Hmmmm, I can see myself.
My kitchen has grown,
As have I.
I hate the gray.
Or maybe it hates me.
I wonder why.
Is it jealous,
Following me from day to day
Just to add a little drear or dread?
It takes me to the mat again,
This gray does,
But it never wins.
Albeit, not by any doing of my own,
But by its own relenting.
And then,
All the while saying
"Watch me do it again."
Does it again.
It throws my weight to one side
Wearing my shoe unevenly.
It causes people to query
"What did you do?"
And all I can say is
That I am getting old
That weighs me down
Like a backpack full of broken dreams?
Or is it just me,
ever comfortable
In the discomfort of the familiar,
Wanting to fly?
Am I put upon
Or do I put upon myself
This affliction of highs and lows,
Yes's and no's
And who cares besides me
And those I pay to study me?
I'll tell you who.
Many, by God. That's who
Sitting, waiting
Sitting, waiting
sitting,waiting for someone to bring me my work.
Coming and going,
Coming and going,
Coming and going but nothing for me yet.
How much longer?
How much longer?
How much longer before I get penalized?
It wasn't my fault.
It wasn't my fault!
IT WASN'T MY FAULT!! Just ask my doctor.