The following is the result of painstaking research and years of field study. The results have not yet been published as the authors are waiting for the scientific comminuty to take seriously the subject and necessity for further study into Petroleum Jelly Utilization and Application. Herein lie the findings of totally unscientific studies, the results of which one may think to have been accumulated while very drunk or under the influence of a very powerful hallucinogen. The frightening truth is that the authors were completely straight at the time of the collection of this raw data.

1. Grease elves down.
2. To help food slide down easily.
3. For use whenever a 300 pound woman named Carmen Lou or Big Marge needs to get into a Spandex bodysuit or leather mini.
4. For waterproofing your house.
5. To huck a major wad on a blonde to spoil her cheerleading practice (or her science meet).
6. To stick woodland creatures to trees and various parts of the body.
7. To keep your ear wax sculptures "nice 'n' smooth".
8. To make a realy lasting punk hairdo.
9. To spice up that game of twister.
10. To put that blind date at ease.
11. To keep your bellybutton lint collection under control.
12. To smooth on your cat and laugh maniacally as he tries to lick it off.
13. To feed to your dog so he stops barking.
14. To put on a napkin and pretend to sneeze and then show to everyone with pride at the accomplishment.
15. To mix with pea soup and bacon bits to make great looking fake vomit.
16. To grease down firemans poles.
17. To feed to your Goldfish.
18. To wipe on walnuts and give to your hamster just to piss the furry bastard off.
19. To create your own oil slick in the safety of your back yard.
20. To make your snake's skin soft and baby fresh.
21. To get back at your teacher for that "F" on your paper on 1001 uses for vaseline.
22. To smear all over your body and rollaround in the sandbox to make a really neat Halloween costume.
23. To smear on your TV screen so that everyone looks like Krang, the alien brain from Dimension X on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
24. To slime your hair back like that hot Agent Cooper on Twin Peaks.
25. To grease your opponents Nike's in the mile at the Olympics.
26. To grease you baby brother/sister and slide him/her like a hockey puck accross the linoleum in the kitchen.
27. To make a great first impression, wipe some on your palm and shake the person's hand.
28. To have some conveniently on hand at the end of the semester when the professor suddenly yells "Extra crdit for Vaseline!"
29. To shine a bald man's dull head.
30. To recreate ectoplasm, that cool stuff in Ghostbusters.
31. To put in fingerholes of opponents bowling ball.
32. To give all the furry dogs in the neighborhood mowhawks.
33. To smear on your body in place of clothing.
34. To give your tongue that extra added edge.
35. Put it in your mouth and go trick or treating as a zit.
36. Keep your baby happy by smearing it on your body, sticking feathers in it and dancing around the kitchen singing "Babaloo."
37. Put it on a girraffe's neck and sliiiiiiiide.
38. If you're ever involved in a plane crash and you're forced to eat the dead to survive--remember, a little vaseline helps human flesh go a long way.
39. Snort it--Vaseline highs are far out, dude!
40. If you run out of attitude, give 'em Vaseline.
41. It's a common ingredient in bizzarre satanic rituals, next to Tiffany records.
42. What do you think is in McDonalds secret sauce?
43. Try mixing it with Bleu Cheese for a dandy salad dressing.
44. It makes a great aphrodisiac--just thinking about it makes you feel sexy.
45. Use it to stick back organs during surgery.
46. Biblical ammendment: On the 6th day hHe rested. On the 7th day He made Vaseline.
47. Scientific revision: Energy x Force does not produce work. Indeed, scientifically speaking, no real work is produced unless Vaseline is a result.
48. Historical revision: The real reason the North won the Civil War was they had a biger supply of Vaseline.
49. Well-known fact: All successfull presidential assassinations were due to the simple fact thet most insane men know the trick of rubbing down guns with Vaseline to improve their aim.
50. It's a great prop for a low-budget slasher movie. Get a 6'4" bruiser named Bruno, rub him down with a couple of exralarge vats of Vaseline and have him come out of a swamp and maul legions of screaming, well-endowed teenage girls.
51. To make that popular phrase "I'm going to stick this ___________ where the sun don't shine" a reality.
52. Proof that God exists: only a higher force could have bestowed a treasure such as Vaseline upon us lowly mortals.